It's Too Late to Apologise
How can I reconcile with my loved one when he or she has no desire to?
The word 'reconcile' means two people getting together to work out issues, differences and problems. So if one party is not willing to do so, it is impossible. But there are things I've found I can do to make it easier for it to happen.
1. Give up the desire to be seen as right or as a good person. Whatever your spouse/loved one feel about you, whether she feels hurt, betrayed, stop trying to show you are good and begin to enter into her world.
2. Arrange a meeting, or an email where you can say to her, "I want to know what it is I've done and how that made you feel, how it affected you."
3. As she tells you, don't say anything. Give her her day in court. Let her say it all out. What the hurt was, what it felt like. And you don't say anything. Don't defend, edit or correct. Don't say what's not true or real or your version of the story. Just LISTEN! Let her pour her heart out about what you did. (or didn't do.)
This is not the time for truth or clarification. Its about her experience and feelings of her own reality. Its seeking to sincerely understand not to be understood.
5. A lot of the time, when one party feels like he or she is listened to and understood, it makes it easier to build a bridge for reconciliation.
6. On then you can talk about what is true, how much is communication or perception problem. Then apologise what need to be apologised. Stop the fault finding, who's right or wrong. Whatever is true, well, apologise sincerely for it and see what needs to change.
7. Commit yourself to working on change so the relationship can grow. And do the hard work that it takes. Don't underestimate the effort and time it really takes to change. But do so because you can become a better person and not just so you can save the relationship.
I've found this way useful when there is a distant in a relationship. I've found that it goes a long way in helping to work towards reconciliation.
I just want to say is that I think the most important step is for me to stop trying to be in the right. And thats tough. Especially when I really think I am. But I know many people who win the argument but end up losing the marriage, the relationship.
Is it really worth it?
Leo
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