Leonard's Enroute

I Hated Life

There was something missing in my life.

I couldn't explain it but deep in me there is a whisper that haunts the moments when I am alone and quiet - "that is more." Like Neo in the first Matrix Movie, there is a foreboding sense of 'things are not as it should be.'

I am not where I should be. I sense a defect, a dsyfunction, a brokenness, a defeat, a distance in my life that I can't place a finger on. All I know it I would like to be better. So I went on a search.

I searched within myself, I enquired about my past, I seeked in hope for my future. From self-help books, to motivational ideas, building my self-esteem by repeating phrases that should make me feel powerful to improving my physical appearance, being ambitious and hanging out with the right crowd resulted, in the words of U2 - "I still haven't found what I was looking for".

"Therefore I hated life because the work that was done under the sun was distressing to me, for all is vanity and grasping for the wind." Ecc 2:17


Then one day, it occured to be that maybe I am searching in all the wrong places. That maybe my probelm is that I have been looking at me from the wrong end. Maybe my search should begin somewhere else. Then one day, I learnt something that changed everything. I came across this quote by A W Tozer-

"The most important thing about me is what comes to my mind when I think about God."


hmmm. I stopped. Could that be my problem? Till then, I thought that "the most important thing about me is what comes to my mind when I think about me." - my esteem, my self-images, my circumstances, my upbringing. Yet this quote left me thinking in a different train of thought.

I begin to think about my perspections of God. That led me to uncover some really sterotypes I have of Him which I realised were more of less impressions of people superimposed on him. Apprently God made me in His image and likeness and I kinda returned Him the favor. And I have entertained these impressions of Him as distant, moody, unhappy, judgemental and doughing out favors from time to time.

Then I realised it kinda makes sense. What I think about God determines how I respond to Life. If I see God as I did, distant, moody, judgemental etc..then I would approach life with caution, expecting things to go wrong as some sort of 'punishment' or walk about with the need to prove myself through performance.

If I saw God as Great, Loving, Wise, Powerful, wouldn't I then live with more trust, hope, risk and confidence? If I respond to what life throws at me out of the storehouse of my own life, I am inadequate. (which explains why I've screwed up thus far..) But If I respond out the storehouse of God's sufficiency... huh! then things would be vastly different!

So I realised that I need to let go of my wrong perceptions of God. I learnt that the Right view of God is to see Him as a Perfect Father - Kind, Compassionate, Forgiving, generous, disciplines, encouraging, protective, providing, guiding, wise and unconditional in His love. I realised that God loves me as His child and I'm beginning to grasp what that means - more than embracing a philsophy to life, or being a member of a church. Its a Relationship.

A Relationship with a very unique slant and very intriguing possibilties.

I think I will give it a try. I have nothing to loose. It doesn't start with me. It starts with God. And slowly..


And I hate it no more.




Leo